שָׁלוֹם

The world today is something rather abnormal; it is no longer regular life.
Therefore the message of Christ is getting increasingly more oriental to preach.
Though trends die out and fashion changes, the word of God is still as powerful today as it was 2,000 years ago. Regardless of mans efforts.

I can speak for myself, if someone told me half the things i have posted on this blog 1 and a half years ago, i would have laughed them to scorn; lit a cigarette and listen to something like norma jean and reassured myself of my “salvation” in Christ Jesus.
I ‘found’ Christ at a monastery at a festival in poland, it was emotional and confusing and after years of pain i thought i was free….. this is when my alleged christian walk began.

I came home to england and went to church, it was catholic- found no truth there. So i went further afield and attended an evangelical church where everyone clapped there hands and shouted Jesus! Jesus!. I didn’t really get it at first, but i thought it was the correct way to worship God so i stayed. I endured sermons that made no sense to me, read a few verses. Even though i always felt a stranger there, i always forced myself to attend. I bunked it a few times for beer and cigarettes in the forest.

All the while i attended church however my love for hxc and punk grew more and more, i used the vilest of words in my everyday speech and at the same time professed Christ. I listened to suicide silence and professed Christ.
The screams of bands such as black sheep wall echoed much more truth to me than any church sermon, it echoed within me and i got it; i understood anguish.
I used to make excuses for it; that Jesus was hard core aswell. Of course in most ways he was/is but not according to the worlds definition of hardcore.
I became straightedge and vegan and said ‘because its biblical’ , but of course it was just for more tags to hold to my name, to get a bit more credibility.
In other words to come across as some kind of good/cool/worth knowing person.

I was never happy throughout this time; i was a mess.
I cried daily,drank as much as i could, smoked 20 a day. i was constantly changing myself to be accepted by the subculture, i hated my life but still clung to the fact i was ‘saved’ because of my professed faith in Christ Jesus. I did not know him, only the dogmatic Jesus.

I was a living death. Some days i remember having devoted thoughts by the river and questioning all that i was, all that God was, questioning the church for i hated it. Asking for truth, begging for truth.

God answered my prayers about a year later as i was living in london and about to start university studying illustration.
Just before i moved i had begun some kind of pathetic attempts of being a better christian, i got rid of all my secular music, then actually realised hxc bands werent sound, until i owned and listened to one cd only- strongarm- advent of a miracle.
Illustration up to that point had been an integral part of my life, but i suddenly felt in that time as if everything i was, and was doing was directly against GOD.
It was weird for me, as even the christians told me i will be used greatly by God in uni etc etc.
But i couldnt ignore that consciousness of knowing that i couldnt study at camberwell.
With that in mind the first day of uni was unbearable, as i sat and beheld all the kids drawings that looked like theyd been plucked out of vice, i was a complete outcast. I sat on my desk with my drawings of mountains and caves and big letters saying ” how shall we sing the lords song in a strange land?” and ”MT.SINAI” and knew i did not belong there.
When a break occurred i cycled back to my flat and could have cried, my prayers were stronger than ever before. I called my parents to tell them i couldnt stay and they screamed down the phone, everday for almost a week they called me 5 times to let me know what a burden and shame i was to them. Life was really hard then, i wasnt studying and i had to leave my flat immediately, i had no job, no money, a student loan to pay off and no home to go to. I sat in a laundrette floor in london completely in despair as to what to do, so i figured squats would be my only option.
I met with two missionaries in a cafe in victoria and prayed about a job for me and somewhere for me to live, and to my shock my dad appeared in london to pick me up and take me back. He treated me like dirt, theyd pretty much disowned me. Completely against my will i went back to kent, and was persecuted intensely, daily. I couldnt explain my anguish, and at the same time absolute illumination and feeling of being blessed. As i took persecution for Christ i felt alive, and for the first time like a real Christian.
The Christ i had known in past, who was powerless was done away with. And i was introduced to the True Christ, that is still living. Free from dogma and doctrine. I went back to my old church and could not bear to stand for a minute in the presense of my old friends, i felt like they were aliens. I couldnt understand how when asked, i was the only person in the room who said no to the question ” would you watch a film knowing it was full of sex and violence, and full of curses against Gods name. ” everyone else said yes and laughed and felt comfortable because their neighbour sins aswell. I had to leave my dearest friend, she didnt understand any of what i spoke, she loved church.
It was very hard for me, it hurt me alot, but i had to seperate myself for the sake of Christ, and the gospel. After finding a job for the ‘Christmas’ period i bought a one way ticket to poland with no intention of returning.

The time from when i arrived in poland to the moment i left, was one of the most illuminating and loving times of my life so far, and stays with me to this day.

I lived with Marreusz, Elizabeth, Matteusz and Jonatan in koszalin during the deep winter.

( Jonatan was one of my friends from the hxc scene, who was miraculously converted the same time as me whilst we were living in seperate countries. God connected us. We are now married and living in England. Marreusz, ela, and matt are our family. )

We prayed as we opened our eyes, we studied scripture every waking minute, we prayed more, we fasted, we talked. Every day i was learning more and more about the true Christ, and the True GOD; somedays it was really challenging everything i believed in, and it was painful; therefore i knew it was truth. So i prayed, and i was answered. Me and Jonatan went through vast forests praying unto GOD, we were seeking him with all we had.
I started to make outward changes to myself, i no longer wore trousers, no more make up, no more caring for how i looked. I didnt care anymore for any entertainment, no films no nothing, i could lose myself for hours in scripture and i felt hunger for it. I could no longer go a day without reading the bible, or without praying just as much as a human cannot go without food and water.

But then i felt a huge compulsion to return to england and share this gospel i had been graced with to my family, and to strangers for i couldnt speak very accurate polish. Jonatans dad felt the same and i booked a flight full of hope and joy that i could do Gods will instead of my own, but my return was catastphrophic. The persecutions were worse than before, my mother was calling members of the family to let them know what a freak i was. And cried saying she had lost her daughter, to the which i replied with a smile; yes you have, im not the same anymore. I was comforted with the words in luke: ”The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. ”

This time has shaped me hugely, as i have been tried under fire and i can truely say that my faith has been fortified. It’s not a stagnant faith, but a living one.
I no longer care for the acceptance of men, what the church says; i believe in a faith that existed before the pope ever came along. I can say that i love, a truely biblical love for the first time; that i no longer feel guilt. I feel anguish, sorrow at times, but at the same time incomprehensible freedom, joy, peace.

Right now i work full time with people on deaths door, im going to write alot about death in my next posts, and what Christ taught about death- not tradition. I held a womans head as her breath left her not so long ago, and another lady died the night i met her. It is a grim reality that i am faced with daily.
Other than that i spend all my time studying scripture, writing articles and praying.

I walk the sanctification path, following Christ and cleaving to the hope of my salvation. I no longer sin, i choose to obey GOD instead and follow Christ. I’ve been awakened to the true GOD of Israel, and Yeshua his messiah ( who is not GOD ) whether that makes me a christian or not i dont know but i care not. All i care for is truth.

Feel free to ask me anything.

Shalom,

Natalie.